Just a little reminder...

So, as I mentioned in my last post, the doctor feels that Jillian waking up in the middle of the night is "behavioral" so he gave us a plan for stopping the "behavior." This includes me cutting back the amount of time I nurse her so that she will be more willing to eat solids throughout the day and so that I can eventually not nurse anymore (since I was only really aiming for doing it through the first year), he suggested we take away her paci, and of course, trying to let her cry when she wakes up at night to push through whatever is waking her. We are on night three of this plan (although it is slightly modified.) I felt like if we were going to have rough nights then taking the paci away now made sense, but for some reason I can't do it! It is something that is so comforting to her that I just don't want to take it away. And I think part of me associates that with her being the baby that she is and if that goes away then maybe that makes her grow up even faster than she already is...I don't know.

We have attempted to let her "cry it out" a few other times but I always went back to realizing she really was hungry in the middle of the night or that maybe her reflux was bothering her too much to sleep. But the doctor (and a few friends) convinced me that she might be waiting to get her milk calories until 2 am instead of eating real meals. And she is on a pretty powerful reflux medicine, so the doctor feels that should be doing the trick if that were the problem. So those two things plus the fact that I am going on 372 nights (minus a handful of much appreciated nights where she had Gigi/Bubbie/Aunt Sandy sleepovers) of interrupted sleep in order to feed her - not to mention those nights leading up to her being born where I got terrible sleep. So - all in all, I am tired. Really tired. I think I forget how tired I really am because it has been so long since I slept a full night so I keep pushing through. The hardest part is that I am someone who LOVES sleep but this phase has made me loathe it - I just dread falling asleep at night because I know that I only have a few hours until I will be woken up and will likely feel worse than I did before I went to sleep...

So we started this and she has (or should I say we have) survived 3 nights of not eating in the middle of the night - I am not saying she hasn't been awake, she has been - each of those nights for decent periods of time. Crying. Screaming. Wailing. And I try to push through and ask for confirmation from Neal that I should still push through. And I turn the monitor down ever so slightly so that I can try not to be so aware of how long she is crying (not enough that I don't hear her at all, though). And I doubt.

It is awful. I hate it. I want this phase to be over. Each time I wonder "How will I know if she really needs me? Or worse...will she one night wake up with a real need after we are through this but have no confidence that I will be there to help her? Will she think that I will help her during the day even?" I know lots of babies have gone through this and are perfectly happy children, but what if Jillian is the exception?

Of course, this morning, she was still asleep long after we had to get up since she had a rough night herself, but when I did finally hear her stirring, I went in and peeked over her crib rails to see her, and she lit up and giggled - so happy to see me, funny how I almost expected her to be upset with me! This is why babies are so amazing.

I do feel like we are making actual progress -- she has basically gone until about 5:30 both of the last two mornings without waking up (our threshold that we set was 6 am) and then she has cried up until about 6, fallen back asleep, and slept until at least 7:30ish. So I am encouraged with it - but still frustrated, not knowing....

So it was fantastic timing when I read on my friend's blog this verse (that is slightly modified from how it probably appears in your Bible...) "Every good and perfect gift (even if they don't sleep) is from above. James 1:17." She was having trouble with her little one napping and another friend gave her this counsel to get her through a rough day. Lukily, on most days, I don't feel frustrated with her specifically, just with the situation. But other nights, I could definitely use a dose of repeating that fantastic verse from James. So, really, dealing with Jillian's sleep (or should I say non-sleep) issues is frustrating, but when it comes down to it, I love this little girl with all my heart and I am actually thankful for those times in the middle of the night where just she and I were up and where I was the only one who could soothe her back to sleep. And I am especially thankful for the fact that I have had 12 months of nursing her - that is a blessing that I know not everyone has. And I love that she is her own person. She is not a clone of her sister (who slept through the night early on) and she does things on her own time in her own way. There are lots of times that I wish I was more like that and I hope that is something that she will keep in her personality - of course, I hope she keeps that after I convince her that sleeping is good!